July and August 2010 were the beginning of the end of my almost 16 year marriage. I am nearing the age of 40, and I've moved into the 'divorced' category that so many of my peers are finding themselves in these days. How did I wind up here? What was I thinking? Are my kids going to need therapy once the dust settles?
I wound up single again because there are idiosyncrasies your spouse has that you get used to over time. Then, there are the 'deal-breakers'. After several years of trying to fix (the Southern term for 'taking care of') the 'deal-breakers', we both drifted and grew apart.
What was I thinking that fated evening when I asked the question, "Are you really happy?" I was thinking, "Gosh, I hope we don't get into an argument." "What if he says no, he's not happy? Is that what I really want to hear?" "I sure hope I don't throw up all over the bed - that would really add to the drama, wouldn't it?" As all the above (and more) swirled through my mind, we calmly discussed how we'd come to this juncture in our 'for better or for worse' relationship. We realized that divorce was the best possible option for all involved. Wow. Is this really happening?
July passed quickly, and with it moving boxes, packing tape, and strained discussions. We explained the situation to our children to the best of our abilities. We cried, we clung to one another, and we did the best we could for each other. Was it the hardest conversation we'd ever had? Definitely. Were we relieved when our children seemed to take everything in stride? Absolutely. Are there still bad days for all of us? Sure.
What has this life-changing situation taught me? That I'm stronger than I knew I ever could be - for myself, for my ex-spouse, and for my sweet, darling children. That I really am happier now, and better able to care for my children since a lot of stress has dissipated from my life. That you can stand up for your beliefs, and it isn't shameful to not live in the traditional 'norm' of society (some may say 1950s society - I say the society I was brought up to believe in) to still be a family unit.
My oldest child said it best after we explained the new living arrangements. He said, "Well, OK, then. Pop's got the pool and Mom's got the dogs. Who gets the silverware? And, what about the dogs - are we all going to gather here at the house during holidays so the dogs won't be lonely?" Yes, sometimes life changes can only be explained best by a young child. The character you hope you're helping build in your children shines when they are more worried about the family pets (and the silverware) than the changes to come that are affecting them. I guess my ex- and I have done something right with our children - we're instilling optimism in times of strife and our kids know we love them above all else. Guess I won't be needing the phone number to that therapist after all...
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