My Wise Men...

Have you ever wondered how someone so young can have such an old soul?  I do.  All.The.Time.  You see, my oldest child, who is still in elementary school, has just such an old soul.  His younger sibling is the free spirit of the household.  But somehow, both children, in their own special ways, are much wiser than I am at almost forty.

Case in point, two weeks ago, we unexpectedly had to have our 13 year-old female Golden Retriever put to sleep.  It was a hard transition for everyone, including the 13 year-old male Golden (her brother).  I worried how I was going to explain that she was sick, so sick, and that this was what was best for her to my children.  I didn't want to go into the gory details about 'how sick' she really was, but I didn't want to lie to my boys either.  They deserved to know the truth, but at the same time learn that death, as life, should be celebrated - especially for a family pet that had lived such a good, long life.

Imagine my surprise when my children were the ones to teach me that lesson.  That evening, as we were getting ready to read before bedtime, my youngest asked when our female Golden was coming home.  I explained that she wasn't coming home because she was in Heaven and that she no longer hurt - her hips didn't hurt, her heart was young again, and she was running and chasing tennis balls just like when she was a young pup.  His comment was, "So, she's dead."  Spoken just like a child, right?  Blunt, and straight from the heart.  But, my older son amazed me when he turned to his brother and said, "But you know, Jesus is up there right now throwing tennis balls to her.  She's really quite happy."  Ahh...to be young and oh, so wise as to put your sibling's fears to rest in one kind comment.

Later that evening, as I told stories of the dogs when they were puppies, the boys giggled and giggled some more.  They continued to ask for more stories, and I told as many as I could remember.  Forget that we were supposed to read for school - this was an important day in our family's life together - and for one night, what was it going to hurt to tell tales of our pets as happy puppies? 

As my children drifted off into peaceful slumber knowing their dog was being cared for by only the best (yes, Jesus fits that bill, doesn't He?), I quietly crept into my bed to mourn the loss of one of my two 'first children'.  As I cried, I remembered all that the boys had said throughout the day and wondered if this was the reason Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me..."  Truly, children are the way to the Kingdom of Heaven.  For they believe with honest hearts and pure souls that God and Jesus are up in Heaven prepared to take care of us.  Whether it be by throwing tennis balls to old dogs that go to Heaven, or making us new again when we return to our rightful places by their sides.

Imagine yourself 20-, 30-, even 40-years ago.  What did you believe?  How did you see the 'scary' things of life?  Did you believe without even questioning that a higher power would take care of everything?  Or did you allow fear to replace that faith?  I learn so much from my children every single day.  I can only hope that they are the Wise men that will help lead me to a stronger faith.  I want to once again joyfully believe (without a moment's hesitation) that God and Jesus will take care of me no matter the circumstance.

The Lengths We Go To...

This past week was one of the most heart-wrenching weeks I've experienced in quite some time.  My 13 year-old female Golden Retriever had to be put to sleep.  This comes on the heels of divorce, and comes right before what would have been the 16th wedding anniversary.  A lot to take in during the span of a few weeks when emotions are running high.

As I prepared myself for the inevitable at the afternoon's vet appointment, I visited with my dear next door neighbor.  He talked to me about any and everything to do with all topics e-x-c-e-p-t my sweet puppy's bad health.  We laughed over stories about our children, and I thought I could handle what was to come.  I was wrong.

As I lifted her up to carry her to the car, I let my male Golden sniff her.  He knew.  He licked and licked her face.  He even tried to go with us.  But, the worst was when I unloaded her from the car to go into the vet's office.  She hung limp like a dishrag in my arms.  Everyone in the waiting area knew.  One woman even came over to give me a hug.  I lost it.  As I sat on a bench in the waiting room by myself holding my sweet Golden, I cried and cried.  I couldn't stop crying. 

As our names were called into the exam room, I mentally attempted to prepare myself for something I didn't know if I could handle.  The vet and I discussed her health - and it was horrifying to learn she was so much worse than anticipated.  She was literally dying a slow, painful death.  I couldn't stand it.  I wanted her to be free from pain but not free from my world.  I couldn't have my cake and eat it, too.

I don't know how I managed to make it home that afternoon.  I do know that I cried and cried in the exam room, at the front desk while paying for the visit, sitting in the car, and all the way to my parents' home to pick up my children.  I even cried as I told my kids that our puppy was in heaven.  The worst part?  Coming home to find my male Golden looking for her.  He searched the backyard, he wouldn't eat from her food bowl, and he paced the rooms, stopping in the sunroom to stare.

We all deal with grief in different ways.  I attempted to teach my children that we can celebrate someone/something's life while still missing them terribly.  The kids and I filled a shoe box with tennis balls that were her favorites as well as her collar.  We wrapped the box in a bag and sealed it.  We buried the box in the backyard under some plants and placed a squirrel statue my Dad had given us on top with a solar powered light to the side so we could see her memorial 'all through the day'.  We then each said something about her and remembered her fondly.

How far will you go to celebrate someone or something that left a permanent impression on your heart?  Will you go out of your way to help others affected to heal?  Will you take the time on a beautiful Saturday morning to relive wonderful experiences with that person/thing and savor what was an important part of your life?  Or will you just move on, not taking the time to deal and heal?  What lengths will you go to so that you as well as those you love can learn that life (even in death) can have a silver lining?

My sweet puppy will always be remembered for her spunk, her loyalty, her mouthy, insistent bark, and her sweet disposition.  Sounds like qualities the rest of us could use in order to navigate this world, doesn't it?

Happily Ever After?

July and August 2010 were the beginning of the end of my almost 16 year marriage.  I am nearing the age of 40, and I've moved into the 'divorced' category that so many of my peers are finding themselves in these days.  How did I wind up here?  What was I thinking?  Are my kids going to need therapy once the dust settles?

I wound up single again because there are idiosyncrasies your spouse has that you get used to over time.  Then, there are the 'deal-breakers'.  After several years of trying to fix (the Southern term for 'taking care of') the 'deal-breakers', we both drifted and grew apart.

What was I thinking that fated evening when I asked the question, "Are you really happy?"  I was thinking, "Gosh, I hope we don't get into an argument."  "What if he says no, he's not happy?  Is that what I really want to hear?"  "I sure hope I don't throw up all over the bed - that would really add to the drama, wouldn't it?"  As all the above (and more) swirled through my mind, we calmly discussed how we'd come to this juncture in our 'for better or for worse' relationship.  We realized that divorce was the best possible option for all involved.  Wow.  Is this really happening? 

July passed quickly, and with it moving boxes, packing tape, and strained discussions.  We explained the situation to our children to the best of our abilities.  We cried, we clung to one another, and we did the best we could for each other.  Was it the hardest conversation we'd ever had?  Definitely.  Were we relieved when our children seemed to take everything in stride?  Absolutely.  Are there still bad days for all of us?  Sure.

What has this life-changing situation taught me?  That I'm stronger than I knew I ever could be - for myself, for my ex-spouse, and for my sweet, darling children.  That I really am happier now, and better able to care for my children since a lot of stress has dissipated from my life.  That you can stand up for your beliefs, and it isn't shameful to not live in the traditional 'norm' of society (some may say 1950s society - I say the society I was brought up to believe in) to still be a family unit.

My oldest child said it best after we explained the new living arrangements.  He said, "Well, OK, then.  Pop's got the pool and Mom's got the dogs.  Who gets the silverware?  And, what about the dogs - are we all going to gather here at the house during holidays so the dogs won't be lonely?"  Yes, sometimes life changes can only be explained best by a young child.  The character you hope you're helping build in your children shines when they are more worried about the family pets (and the silverware) than the changes to come that are affecting them.  I guess my ex- and I have done something right with our children - we're instilling optimism in times of strife and our kids know we love them above all else.  Guess I won't be needing the phone number to that therapist after all...

Out of the Mouths of my Babes

My kids are hilarious.  One has a dry wit about him and the other a natural funny bone that never stops.  Here are a few of their comments that caught me off-guard when said, and that I still laugh about now.

Both kids are singing, "Amen, Amen, Amen" like the choir at church sings during the benediction.  My youngest then pipes up with, "Aw, woman!  Aw, woman!  Aw, woman!"

I was putting my youngest to bed the other night when he told me I was hot.  He continued by saying, "You're not cute-hot, Mom.  You're I-need-to-warm-down kind of hot."  Thanks, kid...

I took the kids to a local chicken finger restaurant the other day.  As the cashier was calling out the numbers when orders were ready for pick-up, my youngest commented, "She's doing a great job with her counting!"

On the way to school the other morning, my youngest placed his arms inside his shirt and said, "Look!  I don't have hands...that means I don't have to play baseball tonight!"  My oldest looks over at my youngest, and without skipping a beat said, "Um, yeah.  So, we're not buying it.  They're in your shirt..."

Before school one morning, my youngest came into the room and gave me a hug.  While hugging me he said, "I'm not going to say good morning , because my hug and my heart are telling you that already."  Then, as I scooped him up into my arms, he said, "Ugh!  How did I get myself into this?!"

Youngest child made me a card and a bookmark for Mother's Day at school this year.  I told him, "I can't wait to put this in my book!  I'll go do that now."  He replied, "Well, this is going in my book."  When I told him that I thought he'd made the bookmark for me, he said, "Well, if you'd wanted a bookmark, you should have made one..."

A Little Southern Comfort

Do you ever have those days where you feel like a human trampoline?  Or a human bean bag chair?  As the mother of two boys, that feeling is an everyday feeling for me.  My kids love to jump on top of my back and ride piggy-back down the stairs in the morning to eat breakfast before school.  They take running leaps and land on me from across the room when I'm sitting on the couch in the evenings.  And, bless me if I ever get sick enough to have to stay in bed, because those little stinkers hop all around the bed saying, "Momma, guess what?  Momma, look at this!  Momma, where are my shoes?"

But when those two are off playing with LEGOs (toy of choice in my house), battling each other with light sabers, or actually sitting quietly watching tv, a strange sense of lonliness envelopes me.  The feeling is so strong that I immediately go to each one of the boys, put my arms around them for bear hugs, and kiss their cheeks while exclaiming madly, "I love you!  I love you!  I love you!"  My oldest turns red and says, "Mooomm!"  But my youngest snuggles up and sits a spell.

I know they're going to be grown sooner than I'd like, and when they are, will be too big to sit on my lap.  But for now, I'm enjoying their feet almost touching the ground and their bodies being just big enough that they almost slip out of my lap.  Because it's during those times that I remember how well they fit in my arms as I rocked them to sleep as babies.  That memory warms me and keeps the lonly feelings of growing boys at bay. 

My arms will never be too small to encircle my boys to give them hugs.  Nor will my body ever be too fragile to endure them jumping over to me and showing their love in true boy-ish fashion.  Their way of showing love is the comfort that endures forever.

What's in a Name?

While shopping at the local cosmetic "super center" yesterday, I came across the Spring 2010 nail polish colors.  Being a nail color name enthusiast when getting pedicures, I was immediatly drawn to the season's trendiest colors...and their names.  OPI's No Room for the Blues, Atomic Orange, Teal the Cows Come Home, and Light My Sapphire are some of my favorites in terms of new color names.  But who can forget the oldies-but-goodies like OPI's I'm Not Really a Waitress, Cajun Shrimp, and I'm Fondue of You?

I was immediately drawn to Orly's Berry Blast and Bailamos colors, but for a goody-two-shoes kind of gal, the latter was going out on a limb...especially for my fingernails.  I countered my interest in this color with thoughts of, "is that really an appropriate color for work?" and "who cares, they're my nails!"  Then, I started to wonder what my nail color choices say about me.  And, if I were to be named by a nail polish company, what name would most represent me?  Several names came to mind...

1.) Magpie - my fondness for all things BSO (bright, shiny objects) makes me forget what I'm shopping for most days once I spy something shiny and new that catches my eye.
2.) Living on the Ledge - as a mom of small children, handling a full-time job as well as all the kids' activities sometimes causes moments of panic when I forget where we're supposed to be next.
3.) Grin and Wear It - any day is made better with a smile; no matter the situation.
4.) Overtures in Admission - I've recently had to admit some hard truths about my life, and hence, make some difficult decisions that affect more than just me.
5.) Pride and Joy x 2 - that would be my two children; always a welcome source of laughter and fun which makes everything else seem inconsequential.

I suppose what the above says the most about me though is that I'm not just one name.  To live life to its fullest, I'm a combination of being tough, strong, and able to handle whatever comes my way.  All the while, I'm looking for the good things in life because why else live if the good things aren't present in front of us?  And most importantly, always look for that Pride and Joy in life.  It's what matters most.

Time Flies...Whether You're Having Fun or Not

Isn't it amazing how slowly times goes by when you're younger?  The months leading up to Christmas, the days leading up to your birthday, and the entire summertime all seem to creep by.  At what point in our lives does time suddenly start to break into a jog and finally begin sprinting past faster than we can bat an eye?

My Dad commented just today about hanging out with my kids one day and suddenly finding himself at the checkout counter at Target paying for toys the kids finagled him to purchase.  He said one minute they were playing at the house and the next, the kids were waving LEGOs (the toy of choice in my household) to be scanned at the checkout lane. 

It's amazing that we can look up from life and find that everything is passing us by at Mach I with our Hair on Fire.  I, for one, am trying to dutifully look up, enjoy what's going on around me, and s-l-o-w d-o-w-n...especially when I see my kids coming down the aisle in Target waving their box of LEGOs.  Because, the next thing I know, they'll be wearing a cap and gown while waving their diplomas high in the air.